Paraprosdokian Sentences

A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech  in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect.

Ø    Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

Ø    I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Ø    Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Ø    The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the  list.

Ø    Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Ø    If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.

Ø    We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.

Ø    War does not determine who is right — only who is left.

Ø    Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting  it in a fruit salad.

Ø    The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Ø    Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening,’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

Ø    To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

Ø    A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a  train stops. My desk is a work station.

Ø    How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Ø    Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Ø    Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they  can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

Ø   I  thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Ø    A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.

Ø    Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an  emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR.”

Ø    I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Ø    I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it… So I said “Implants?”

Ø    Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Ø    Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are  sexy.

Ø    Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

Ø    Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

Ø    A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Ø    The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good  ideas!

Ø    Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it  back.

Ø    A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a  way that you will look forward to the trip.

Ø    Hospitality:  making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.

Ø    I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be  devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my  foot.

Ø    Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they  go.

Ø    You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

Ø    To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

Ø    A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it  as when you are in it.

Ø    If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?

Ø    Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

X One from me…………… ”I would if I could, but I can’t so I won’t.”

Sharks in the Water

Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied a ship in distress.

“Follow me, son,” the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the ship.

“First we swim around the people in the water with just the tip of our fins showing.”

And they did.

“Well done, son!

Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing.”

And they did.

“Now we eat everybody.”

And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked,

“Dad, why didn’t we just eat them all at first?

Why did we swim around and around them?”

His wise father replied,

“Because they taste better without the shit inside!”

Can you say “I love you” any better?

What Love means to a 4-8 year old . . Slow down for three minutes to read this. It is so worth it.

Touching words from the mouth of babes.

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, ‘What does love mean?’ The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:

Love is what makes you smile when you’re tired.’

Terri – age 4

‘Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.’

Danny – age 7

‘Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more.
My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss’

Emily – age 8

‘Love is what’s in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.’

Bobby – age 7 (Wow!)

‘If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate,’

Nikka – age 6
(we need a few million more Nikka’s on this planet)

‘Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.’

Noelle – age 7

‘Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.’

Tommy – age 6

‘During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling.

He was the only one doing that. I wasn’t scared anymore.’

Cindy – age 8

‘My mommy loves me more than anybody
You don’t see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.’

Clare – age 6

‘Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.’

Elaine-age 5

‘Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.’

Chris – age 7

‘Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.’

Mary Ann – age 4

‘I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.’

Lauren – age 4

‘When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.’ (what an image)

Karen – age 7

‘Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn’t think it’s gross.’

Mark – age 6

‘You really shouldn’t say ‘I love you’ unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.’

Jessica – age 8

This is one of the best explanations of why God allows pain and suffering that I have seen…

A man went to a barbershop to have his hair cut and his beard trimmed.
As the barber began to work, they began to have a good conversation.
They talked about so many things and various subjects.
When they eventually touched on the subject of God, the barber said:
‘I don’t believe that God exists.’
‘Why do you say that?’ asked the customer. ‘Well, you just have to go out in the street to realize that God doesn’t exist.
Tell me, if God exists, would there be so many sick people?
Would there be abandoned children?

If God existed, there would be neither suffering nor pain.
I can’t imagine a loving God who would allow all of these things.’
The customer thought for a moment, but didn’t respond because he didn’t want to start an argument.

The barber finished his job and the customer left the shop.

Just after he left the barbershop, he saw a man in the street with long, stringy, dirty hair and an untrimmed beard.
He looked dirty and unkempt. The customer turned back and entered the barber shop again and he said to the barber:
‘You know what? Barbers do not exist.’
‘How can you say that?’ asked the surprised barber.
‘I am here, and I am a barber. And I just worked on you!’
‘No!’ the customer exclaimed. ‘Barbers don’t exist because
if they did, there would be no people with dirty long hair and untrimmed beards, like that man outside.’

‘Ah, but barbers DO exist! That’s what happens when people do not come to me.’
‘Exactly!’ affirmed the customer. ‘That’s the point! God, too, DOES exist!
That’s what happens when people do not go to Him and don’t look to Him for help.
That’s why there’s so much pain and suffering in the world.’

What are you going to tell them….

The lady was a Southern Baptist who attended services and taught Sunday School every week.

One Sunday an out of town acquaintance, a gentleman, was in the pew right behind her. He noted what a fine looking woman she was. While they were taking up the collection, the man leaned forward and said, “Hey, how about you and I having dinner on Tuesday?”

“Why yes, that would be nice”, the lady responded. Well, the gentleman couldn’t believe his luck.

On Tuesday he picked the lady up and took her to the finest restaurant in that part of South Carolina. When they sat down, the gentleman looked over at her and suggested, “Would you like a cocktail before dinner?”

“Oh, no,” said the fine example of southern womanhood, “What ever would I tell my Sunday School class?”

Well, the gentleman was set back a bit, so he didn’t say much until after dinner, when he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and asked, “Would you like a smoke?”

“Oh my goodness no,” said the woman. “I couldn’t face my Sunday School class if I did!”

Well, the man felt pretty low after that, so they left, got in his car and as he was driving the lady home, they passed the local Holiday Inn. He’d been morally rebuffed twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose so he ventured forth with, “Ahhh … mmmm how would you like to stop at this motel?”

“Sure, that would be nice,” she said in anticipation.

The gentleman couldn’t believe his ears, and did a fast u-turn right then and there, and drove back to the motel and checked in.

The next morning, after a wild and passionate night of the most incredible love making imaginable, the gentleman awoke first. He looked at the lovely Dixie darling lying there in the bed and with remorse thought, “What the hell have I done?
He shook her awake and pleaded, “I’ve got to ask you one thing, what ever are you going to tell your Sunday School class?”

The lady said, “The same thing I always tell them,

“You don’t have to smoke and drink to have a good time..”

Butt Prints in the Sand….

One night I had a wondrous dream,

One set of footprints there was seen,

The footprints of my precious Lord,

But, mine were not along the shore.

But then some strange prints appeared,

And I asked the Lord, What have we here?

Those prints are large and round and neat,

But Lord they are too big for feet!

My Child, he said in somber tones,

For miles I carried you alone.

I challenged you to wake in faith,

But you refused and made me wait!

You disobeyed, you would not grow,

The walk of faith you would not know,

So…I got tired, I got fed up,

And there I dropped you on your butt!

Because in life, there comes a time,

When one must fight, and one must climb,

When one must rise and take a stand

Or leave their Butt prints in the sand!